I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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