Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Every concussion has its silver lining
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
