I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
