Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
