Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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