apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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