i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
