clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
