Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Where is the hickey?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
