so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize