yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
