There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
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