there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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