since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize