3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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