Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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