here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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