in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
