I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
