Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
