why didn't you poke me back
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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