the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
