I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
