My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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