So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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