so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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