Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
