I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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