i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
