I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
