Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
