Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
