one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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