I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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