My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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