He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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