Cold hands, warm shart.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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