I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
