During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just found a bag of teeth...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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