i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
