i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
