You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
