it was like his penis was on wheels.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
