Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
wow bdsm is so cute
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
