Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
