laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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