Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's shark week go big or go home
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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