Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
