I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
