watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
