Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
