one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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