I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
