Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
