I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
