Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
