Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
