would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
